Let Peace Begin With Me

On Sunday, October 6, I was blessed with the opportunity to be the service leader at our local Unitarian Universalist church. I also delivered the service that day about Nonviolent Communication and the potential the use of this process has to create peace in oneself and the world. Whether you are a church-goer or not, Sunday is a great day to reflect on things such as this, right? I wanted to share the service with those who may be interested, but were not able to attend. It will take about 15 minutes to read. Have a beautiful day!

My name is Courtney Morrison and I have been attending services here at the Boone Unitarian Universalist Fellowship for exactly one year.  My husband and I recently became members and I tell you, I never thought I would say this, but I have found my religion!  I had no idea that the concepts of love, equity, and respect for all paths to Truth existed in an organized fashion and had so much history, to boot.  I am having so much fun discovering the richness that is Unitarian Universalism.

I am very grateful to be here today.  I thoroughly enjoyed putting this service together and am honored to have the opportunity to share it with you.  

Today I will be talking to you about a deceptively simple and yet amazingly powerful process of communication that supports the development of peace, love, and compassion for yourself and, in turn, for others.  

First, I’d like to guide you in a meditation that will encourage the opening of our hearts and minds, and the relaxation of our bodies.  If you are comfortable doing so, please close your eyes and take a deep, cleansing breath.  Now, raise both of your shoulders up.   Up to your ears!  And, let them fall.  Gently roll your head, letting your neck stretch.

Now, take another cleansing breath, and as you do so, bring both of your hands to your heart and place them there.  One on top of the other.

As you continue to breathe, I want you to imagine that the light of the sun is in your heart.  Warm, pure and perfect, golden-white light.  See the light filling up your strong, life-giving heart and wanting to radiate outward.  Let it do so.  Imagine it shining through the boundaries of your heart and up through your throat and into your head.  See it spreading out through either side of your heart, through your lungs, up into your shoulders, and into your arms and hands.  

Now imagine this light shining down into your torso, your pelvis, down your legs, and into your feet.  Gently diffusing any obstructions it may encounter.

This light is filling up your entire body and shining.  Glowing.  You know it wants to shine out past the perimeters of your body.  Your skin suit, if you will.  :)  Allow it to do so.

Remember, your heart is the source of this light and it is radiating outward, through your whole body and beyond.  And now the entire sanctuary is filled.  Thank you for doing that.

(Pause, and allow folks to open their eyes.  Smile.  When you are ready, open your eyes.)

When the presentation is over, we’ll let it spill out the door and into the world.  For now, we’ll just enjoy it here with us.  ;)

How many of you are familiar with the process that is called Compassionate or Nonviolent Communication?   Raise your hand, if you would.      Okay, Great!      Perfect!

The term Compassionate or Nonviolent Communication (which is often called CC or NVC for short) is a communication process that was developed by Marshall Rosenberg in the 1960's as a way to teach peacemaking skills, conflict resolution, and improve heartfelt connections with oneself and with other human beings.  I’d like to quote from the biography at the back of his book entitled Nonviolent Communication- A Language of Life:  

Growing up in a turbulent Detroit neighborhood, Marshall developed a keen interest in new forms of communication that would provide peaceful alternatives to the violence he encountered.  His interest led to a doctorate in clinical psychology from the University of Wisconsin in 1961, where he studied under Carl Rogers.  His subsequent life experience and study of comparative religion motivated him to develop the NVC process.

While putting this presentation together and studying the principles of Unitarian Universalism,  I observed that NVC is in harmony with every principle.  The one it resonates with the most directly, however, is justice, equity, and compassion in human relations.  If there was justice, equity, and compassion in all human relations, could there ever be war?  Can we change our world leaders to make them have compassion for each other?  The Federal Government would still be open.  ;)  We all know we can only change ourselves, right?

So the logic that follows is simple:  If we truly desire world peace, then the challenge we have before us is to create peace within ourselves.  If every single human takes responsibility for this role, then it follows that there would be world peace, right?  For those of you who may carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, you can just set that on down now.  Your only job toward contributing to peace on this planet is to create it within yourself.  Easy peasey! ;)

The title of this service is Let Peace Begin With Me.  We have all probably heard this quote before.  It is from the song Let There Be Peace on Earth written by Jill Jackson Miller and her husband Sy.  They composed the song in 1955.  It is said that she awoke one morning with the words on her lips, “Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.”  She got up, wrote down the lyrics, and Sy wrote the music.  Since then the song and concept have gained popularity all over the globe.

So how do we, “Let peace begin with us?”  I believe it begins with deep compassion for our inner emotional experiences.  After all, isn’t it out-of-control emotions that lead us to do things we wish we hadn’t?  Would you agree that the boys and young men that go into schools, movie theaters, and workplaces killing children and adult human beings are lacking compassion and empathy for their true feelings and needs?  

If we can learn how to have compassion for ourselves, if we can fill our cups, then they can spill over and we will have enough to share with those who have not yet learned.

Now, I’d like you to raise your hand if you have ever endured the experience of having the same argument with someone over and over again.  Raise your hand if you have a family member, someone at work, school, or elsewhere in the community with whom you have had a conflict or continue to have conflicts.  Thank you.  Please raise your hand if you would like to feel a deeper sense of love, connection, harmony, and compassion within your relationships.  Thank you.

This is a tool for all of us.

Before I explain the four seemingly simple parts to this process, I’d like to tell you the story that led me to it’s discovery.

While my children were very young, my husband underwent three open-heart surgeries.  Two were on the same day while I was pregnant with my first child, Sydney, and the last one was the day before my second child, Michael, turned one.  It was a very stressful period of time that included my mother-in-law's slow and heart-wrenching decline into the depths of Huntington's Disease, her resulting death, a personal injury that led me through four years of chronic pain, and moving to a third-world country with my young family also being among the top stressors.

Wow, how love and instincts kicked in when I became a mom, making the ability to "put the mask on myself before helping others" seem impossible.  In my efforts to care for my children the way I saw fit, I became the martyr-style mom I swore I would never be.  I had inadvertently allowed myself to become so compromised that bitterness resulted.  I complained, but I learned that it didn't accomplish anything productive.  My words weren't getting through to my husband or really to anyone, because I wasn't expressing myself effectively.

When the stress finally got to be more than I could handle, I found a wonderful therapist who introduced me to Compassionate Communication.  This practice helped me learn how to understand and process my feelings, communicate them effectively, and help others discover what they are feeling through active listening, expressing empathy, and generally getting ego out of the equation.  This has been and still is a challenging journey!

I am naturally sympathetic.  My family teases me when I cry during a cheesy commercial or even a cartoon!  My mom had her master's in psychology and bought us kids books about understanding our emotions, and yet still I had to admit I needed outside support. I needed empathy. It’s funny how we will go to dentists, doctors, trainers, and financial advisors, but be reluctant to seek emotional support from a professional who has skills and tools that can so easily help us change our lives for the better.  The disclaimer is:  You have to actually USE the tools to see the results.  For years I read self-help books without actually working with the skills I learned from them.  This time, I was really ready to feel good.  

I have been practicing Compassionate Communication for nearly three years now.  My life and the quality of the relationships in my home have improved tremendously.  Everyone is communicating better, empathizing with themselves and others more, and generally growing in emotional health and intelligence.  Somedays, I forget.  Other times, I only use part of the process.  Every single time there is a conflict, however, and I bring in any of the components, it helps us make connections and diffuse misunderstandings.  It is a practice, because it takes practice.  When we are tired, hungry, or otherwise compromised and begin to operate out of unhealthy patterns, I remember we have this tool, and like a roadmap it helps us get back on track.

I will always remember the first time, since we had begun practicing these skills, that my husband expressed how he was feeling without my trying to pull it out of him.  Instead of feeling angry AT him, I quite suddenly felt a connection WITH him.  He was speaking a common language and we were on the same team, just trying to make sense of it all.  It has been rewarding and challenging work, made easier by the guidance of this heartfelt practice.

So now, what IS this practice and how does one use it?!  Though there is a four-step formula, NVC really is a process.  A process of learning to have deep compassion and empathy for the feelings and needs of oneself and others, and in so doing recognizing that it is possible for both parties to have those needs met without conflict.  This is why it can have such profound implications in the work of peacemaking.  Both parties can have their needs met without conflict.  There are a million ways to do most anything.  Trusting that that place of agreement exists somewhere, helps us to be more resourceful in finding it, together.

The four components of Nonviolent communication are:  observations, feelings, needs, and requests.  You all have a copy of a working example of how one may use the four components when communicating with another person.  Please look at the worksheet and assume someone has done something that resulted in your discomfort.  You would first take your time to work through the process, mentally or physically filling in the blanks.  If you choose to approach the person, you could say something like this:

    

“When this particular thing happens, I feel this way, because this need is not being met.  Would you mind doing it this way?

Sounds simple, doesn’t it?

If, for example, your child interrupts you and you're frustrated, it may sound something like this:

"When you interrupt me, I feel frustrated because I lose track of important thoughts I want to get across. Next time I'm talking and you want something from me, would you please wait until I come to the end of a sentence and say, 'Excuse me,'?"

Of course, you adapt for different scenarios, people, and ages.  When your child interrupts while you are having a quick talk with someone you might just say, "Please say, 'Excuse me, Honey.’"  He or she does and you quickly answer.  Then after your conversation, you could go over to your child and use the tool.  For a younger child, you may have a different request like, “Would you please just touch my arm and wait and I’ll give you attention as soon as I can?”

When trying this at first, it can feel awkward, especially with other adults. I found it to be easiest with my son who was four at the time.  Still so non-judgemental and forgiving.  Finding a friend who is also practicing, connecting with a local or online forum to discuss your experiences, and buying or borrowing the book Nonviolent Communication are all great ways to support yourself as you refine your skills.

If you do decide to begin practicing this technique, so many gifts will emerge. They won't always feel like gifts as they reveal the truth that other people aren't responsible for how you feel. This can be an illusion-shattering experience for some.  Sure, there are things people do that can pretty reliably evoke certain responses from others. Who else but you, however, can really choose how you feel about something?  Marshall Rosenberg’s premise is that our feelings are derived from our needs, not from other peoples’ behavior.

When I find myself upset after observing something and I take the time to work the tool in my head, oftentimes I am not even bothered anymore. This is one of the gifts. It can be incredibly empowering to simply figure out what you are feeling and why. The process itself is an exercise in self-compassion and empathy. It also facilitates a "cooling-off" period where you become an observer to your emotions. When you "observe" your feelings instead of judging or getting lost in them, you realize that you are not your feelings. They don't have to stay in your body like blood, but you can watch and assist them in moving through and out of you.  

So let’s get back to the steps.  I’d like to look at them once more and expound on them a bit.

The first step, step one, is the part of the process where you are determining exactly what occurred that resulted in your discomfort.  This is a huge part in understanding yourself, because sometimes you feel your buttons being pushed, but you don't know exactly what pushed them, right?

It is crucial in conflict resolution because you are coming to the other party with a specific incident and not a generalized complaint.  We want to avoid saying things like, "When you are being such a jerk, it really pisses me off.”  The person won't know exactly which behavior you thought was jerky and he or she won't hear you anyway, because name-calling closes ears.

Step two is feelings.  Figuring out just what emotion you're feeling can be challenging because sometimes you don't know what you are feeling either.  You just know you feel "bad."  In the book Nonviolent Communication, there is an extensive list of emotions that is helpful when you are struggling to find a specific one.  The Center for Nonviolent Communication has a website with the same list.  Or you can just Google "list of emotions” and print it out for reference.

The reason it is important to know which particular emotion you are feeling is because it increases the likelihood of being truly understood and generating compassion in the other person.  Since all of us have felt angry, sad, hurt, frustrated, etc., this a place where we can connect as human beings and not adversaries.  When you express how you truly feel, your partner can recognize your humanity.  This is especially true when you are CLAIMING your feelings instead of BLAMING another for them.  If someone says to you, "You're SO annoying!" it feels totally different than, "When you do that, I feel annoyed.  You don't have to stop, but if you did, I'd feel so much better!"

So first, you determine exactly what thing it was that spurred your discomfort.  Second, you identify the feeling you are experiencing as a result.   And the third step, needs, is where you identify what need you have that isn't being met when this behavior occurs.  This also helps engender compassion, because we humans share the same needs just as we share the same feelings.  Needs such as physical nurturance, play, autonomy, spiritual communion, and interdependence.  Google Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs or refer to the Center for Nonviolent Communication on the internet for Marshall Rosenberg’s List of Needs Inventory.

As a little aside, my husband tends to bristle when someone says they need anything that is nonessential to life. Maslow's Hierarchy notwithstanding, he believes once basic needs are met, anything else is a desire, want, or preference.  So this part of the tool was not generating compassion in him.  He preferred I use the word want, desire, or preference instead of need.  I, on the other hand, felt selfish saying, "I want this," or "I want that."  After arguing semantics, I decided to try it his way.  I discovered he had no problem honoring a "want" as opposed to a "need."  So this is how we work this step now.

My point in sharing this is to emphasize that Compassionate Communication is a process that takes patience, discipline, and flexibility.  You may find yourself adapting the steps to suit your individual needs or the needs of a group or person with whom you are working.  You will know it is an effective change if walls come down and people genuinely listen to each other instead of becoming defensive.

The fourth and final step in this process involves making a request.  How many of us have ever wished a person could read our minds and behave the way we wanted, without us having to say anything?  “Well, he should know that I want a hug when I am crying!”  We are much more likely to get what we want, if someone knows we want it.  And if we don’t know what it is we want, how can someone else?  

When I first began practicing NVC, this step was tricky for me because I thought of it as my opportunity to make someone behave the right way.  My "requests" came out as demands at times. With practice, I have gotten better at putting aside my ego and seeing that I don't have a monopoly on knowing the best ways to behave.  

We all know we can't really change people.  Using this tool, however, you are more likely to inspire compassion in them.  This increases the likelihood that they will want to make this change because they love you and they want you to feel good.  They may even decide they would prefer to behave the way you are suggesting for their own well-being.

Trying to manipulate someone or putting them down for their behavior won’t create authentic change. Adults and children alike have to want to change because it will improve their lives, not because they have been coerced, threatened, or guilted into it.  Change that comes from that kind of foundation doesn’t last or feel genuinely good to anyone. Does it?

These are high-tech days replete with myriad ways to connect with other people, and yet we can become strangely disconnected from our own and others' feelings.  One of my biggest challenges with this work has been simply learning to honor myself and my inner experience.  The more I do this, the more compassion I develop for myself.  Filling that cup has left me grounded enough in my truth, that I am then able to support the person with whom I am engaged to discover and honor their inner landscape.  Just as we envisioned the light in our hearts radiating outward, this inner compassion can radiate out from us, to our families, to our community, and yes, to our world leaders and beyond.   And it all begins with you and me.




Thanks so much for reading!