In my last post, An Overview of Compassionate Communication, I wrote a "cliff note" version of a wonderful process that helps improve communication and connection between people. I also wrote about the benefits that come from practicing it, such as greater understanding and compassion for oneself and others.
Today, I want to share with you some of what you may experience if you are considering implementing Nonviolent Communication (the original name of the process) into your primary relationship, your family, or out in the world. This information can be life-changing and since some of you wrote that you plan on trying it, I thought it it would be a good idea to expound.
Here are the basic steps again in just one sentence. You work through these on your own (they get easier with practice!) prior to communicating with your partner or group.
1. When _________ happens (best if you stay with a specific occurrence)
2. I feel _________ (a specific emotion is best, not just "bad" or "good"),
3. because _________ (what want or need is not being met).
4. In the future/Next time, I would love it if you would _________?
In the first step, you determine exactly what happened that resulted in your discomfort. This is a huge part in understanding yourself, because sometimes you feel your buttons being pushed, but don't know exactly what pushed them, right?
A big part of feeling better is knowing why you are feeling badly in the first place. It is crucial in conflict resolution because you come to the other party with a specific incident and not a general complaint. "When you are being a jerk like that...blah, blah, blah." The person won't know what thing you thought was jerky and won't hear you anyway, because name-calling closes ears.
A big part of feeling better is knowing why you are feeling badly in the first place. It is crucial in conflict resolution because you come to the other party with a specific incident and not a general complaint. "When you are being a jerk like that...blah, blah, blah." The person won't know what thing you thought was jerky and won't hear you anyway, because name-calling closes ears.
The second step, determining what emotion you're feeling, can be challenging because sometimes you don't know exactly what you are feeling. You just know you feel "bad." In the book Nonviolent Communication, there is an extensive list of emotions that is helpful when you are struggling to find a specific emotion. Googling "list of emotions" will work too, but the book is worth owning!
Knowing what particular emotion you are feeling is crucial if you want to increase the likelihood of being truly understood and generating compassion in the other person. Since we have all felt angry, sad, hurt, frustrated, envious, etc., this a place where we can connect as human beings and not adversaries. When you express how you truly feel, your partner can recognize your humanity. This is especially true when you are CLAIMING your feelings instead of BLAMING another for them. If someone says to you, "You're SO annoying!" it feels totally different than, "When you do that, I feel annoyed. You don't have to stop, but if you did, I'd feel so much better!"
Knowing what particular emotion you are feeling is crucial if you want to increase the likelihood of being truly understood and generating compassion in the other person. Since we have all felt angry, sad, hurt, frustrated, envious, etc., this a place where we can connect as human beings and not adversaries. When you express how you truly feel, your partner can recognize your humanity. This is especially true when you are CLAIMING your feelings instead of BLAMING another for them. If someone says to you, "You're SO annoying!" it feels totally different than, "When you do that, I feel annoyed. You don't have to stop, but if you did, I'd feel so much better!"
I could write an entire post on each of these steps, but since my husband and I struggled with the third step where you determine what need is not being met, I'd like to share what we discovered.
Identifying and expressing what need you have that isn't being met as a result of a particular behavior, is an important part of the NVC process. It is another opportunity for your partner to relate to you because we humans share the same needs just as we share the same feelings.
Identifying and expressing what need you have that isn't being met as a result of a particular behavior, is an important part of the NVC process. It is another opportunity for your partner to relate to you because we humans share the same needs just as we share the same feelings.
My husband tends to bristle when someone says they need anything that is non-essential to life (I reminded him about Maslow's Hierarchy, but he wasn't budging), so this part of the tool was not generating compassion in him. He preferred I use the word want or desire instead of need. I, on the other hand, felt selfish saying, "I want this," or "I want that." After arguing semantics, I decided to try it his way. I discovered he had no problem honoring a "want" as opposed to a "need," so this is how we work this step now.
My point in sharing this is to emphasize that NVC is a process that takes patience, discipline, and flexibility. You may find yourself adapting the steps to suit your individual needs or the needs of a group or person with whom you are working. You will know it is an effective change if walls come down and people listen to each other instead of becoming defensive.
The fourth step in this process involves making a request. When I began practicing NVC, this step was tricky for me. I thought, "This is the part where I get my chance to make someone behave the right way." My "requests" came out as demands at times. I have been learning to put aside my ego and see that I don't have a monopoly on knowing the best ways to behave.
Through this process, I have also found myself feeling better whether someone makes a change or not. I can have fun and feel relaxed picking out Christmas trees even if I perceive my husband is feeling impatient. I am happily stepping down from unproductive efforts to control someone and instead honoring that true change has to come from within.
We all know we can't really change people. Using this tool, however, you are more likely to inspire compassion in them. This increases the likelihood they will want to make this change because they love you and want you to feel good. They may even decide they would prefer to behave the way you are suggesting for their own well-being.
Trying to manipulate someone or putting them down for their behavior will not create authentic change. A person has to want to change or it will not last or feel genuinely good to anyone.
Through this process, I have also found myself feeling better whether someone makes a change or not. I can have fun and feel relaxed picking out Christmas trees even if I perceive my husband is feeling impatient. I am happily stepping down from unproductive efforts to control someone and instead honoring that true change has to come from within.
We all know we can't really change people. Using this tool, however, you are more likely to inspire compassion in them. This increases the likelihood they will want to make this change because they love you and want you to feel good. They may even decide they would prefer to behave the way you are suggesting for their own well-being.
Trying to manipulate someone or putting them down for their behavior will not create authentic change. A person has to want to change or it will not last or feel genuinely good to anyone.
If you are frustrated with your ability to connect with someone you care about or just want to effect positive change, give Nonviolent Communication a try! Please feel free to ask questions and/or share your progress and stories of the miracles in healing that are sure to ensue as you practice.
Thanks so much for reading!
Love,
Courtney
I guess the nicething about blogs is that they are there to be read with the time is right. I've heard your explanation of the need/want issue a couple of times and it continues to be good food for thought.
ReplyDelete1. For me, it is semantics, and any semantics that gets in the way of comapassion and effective listening is cause to find a term that all can agree on. Some people are offended by cuss words, and some even by the word "sucks". So for the overarching goal of effective communication, a better choice of words might be in order. Stinks, doesn't it that we have to compromise :).
2. The other night in our discussion group, I pondered why maybe more men find the term "need" so eye rollingingly irritating. thee is the thing that men view needs differently, as you said your husband said need is what one needs to survive, and I think that means physically. For some men, that's enough clothes, a sleeping bag, and a box of tools. For some, it's a hut to live in with a wood stove. Notice for men, the absence of emotional needs/wants and need for connection. Men can live without that. "I am a rock. I am an island". I know I'm teading on ground I know little about here, but I wonder if women, for survival, need the emotional and the connection. Afterall, what kind of life would it be without it?
3. And one more thought, in my experience, when someone used the word need, I eventually came to believe "need" was used to manipulate me into giving in to the other person's desire, usually something that required my effort, time or money to give them what they "needed". So now I have a bit of a knee jerk reaction to that word.
Today, on a snow day, I plan to read more of Rosenberg's book. Thanks for sharing your thoughts Courtney. You ROCK!