An Overview of Compassionate Communication

In my post, Warning:  Do Not Read if You're a Droid, I mentioned two tools that have been super useful to me and my family on our journey toward greater emotional awareness. I had allowed a series of big life stressors to divert my attention from my emotional well-being. Though that stress really built up before I finally took control, I am grateful for the experience, as it led me to discover these tools! Now they are "on my belt" to use as needed for the rest of my life.

The one I want to share with you today is the most important if you are having trouble connecting or getting along within a relationship. It is a communication process called Nonviolent Communication, also known as NVC or Compassionate Communication. It was developed by Marshall Rosenberg in the 60's as a way to teach peacemaking skills and improve heartfelt connections with other human beings. Please check out the above link. It's really cool stuff.

Though there is somewhat of a formula, NVC is really a process of learning to have compassion and empathy for oneself and others, recognizing what each person's needs are, and in so doing realizing that it is possible for all parties to have those needs met without conflict. I have found the use of this process to be especially important when you want someone else to adapt their behavior in consideration of your feelings or needs. Here are the basic steps for communicating best worked out before approaching the person or group. With practice, it gets easier to use in real time.

     1.  When _________ happens (best if you stay with a specific occurrence)
     2.  I feel _________ (a specific emotion is best, not just "bad" or "good"), 
     3.  because _________ (what want or need is not being met).
     4.  In the future/Next time, would you please _________?

If, for example, your child interrupts you and you're frustrated, it may look something like this:

"When you interrupt me, I feel frustrated because I lose track of important thoughts I want to get across. Next time I'm talking and you need something from me, would you please wait until I come to the end of my point and say, 'Excuse me,' first?"

Of course, you adapt for different relationships. With the above scenario, when your child interrupts while you are having a quick talk with someone you might just say, "Please say, 'Excuse me,' Dear." He/she does and you answer quickly. Then after the conversation, you could go over to your child and use the tool.

When trying this at first, it can feel pretty silly, awkward, and uncomfortable, especially with adults. I found it to be easiest when I was practicing with my son who was four at the time. It helps to read the book, Non-Violent Communication, find a friend who is also practicing, or connect with a local or online forum to discuss your experiences and refine your skills. Ideally, your partner would be open to trying it as well, though it is not necessary. Miracles in connection will still occur!

If you choose to begin practicing this communication technique, so many gifts will emerge. They won't always feel like gifts as they reveal the truth that other people aren't responsible for how you feel. This can be an illusion-shattering experience:  "But he made me late to my graduation, of course it's his fault I'm mad!"

It may be his fault you were late to your graduation, but can he really be responsible for your feelings about that? Can someone else really choose your feelings for you? Sure, there are things people do that can pretty reliably evoke certain responses from others. Who else but you, however, can really choose how you respond?

When I find myself upset after someone does something and I take the time to work the tool in my head, oftentimes I am not even bothered anymore. This is one of the gifts. It can be incredibly empowering to simply figure out what you are feeling and why. The process itself is an exercise in self-compassion and empathy. It also facilitates a "cool-off" period where you become an observer to your emotions. When you "observe" how you are feeling, you realize that you are not your emotions. They don't have to stay in your body like blood, but you can watch and assist them in moving through and out of you.

I welcome your questions, comments, and shared experiences of NVC! Next post, I plan to expound on the four parts of the process. Thanks for reading!

Love,
Courtney