From Blame to Claim: Stepping Into Your Power

The Dalai Lama posted on Facebook recently that the increasing interest folks are showing in their emotions is a sign of maturity.

Have you noticed an increased interest in emotions in yourself and/or in the folks around you?

In the last several years I have come upon the "philosophy" that one's emotions are one's own responsibility.  I put quotes around the word philosophy because some would stand firm in the belief that other people are the cause of their feelings.  I inadvertently held this belief myself until I was gifted with the information that allowed me to see otherwise.

We have been raised in a culture of blame.  It's Israel's fault, it's Palestine's fault, it's the conservatives' fault, it's the liberals' fault, it's the Republicans' fault, the Democrats' fault, the President's fault, the doctor's fault, the lawyer's fault, my mother's fault, my husband's fault, "IT IS YOUR FAULT I AM FEELING THIS WAY."

The fact is, people mess up.  That is how we learn.  We do our best to remain patient with our children when they make a mistake, hopefully teaching them how to make recompense and learn so they do it differently the next time.  We need to show our fellow adult humans the same grace as much as we are able, knowing that the only thing WE can change is ourselves.

We can practice acting instead of reacting.  We can acknowledge we are angry, sad, frustrated, etc., take a deep breath, and get to work trying to understand why without automatically blaming. You affect change by example and this takes claiming responsibility for yourself, your part, your feelings, your thoughts, and your actions every opportunity you remember to do so.  It is a practice because it takes practice.

It can be a challenge to find role models who lead and guide from a strong and secure center where blaming others has little place.  Growing up in America and then traveling and living abroad, I have seen vast differences between cultures that encourage "passing the buck" and those where you have to possess personal accountability to survive.  I have met many people who think Americans can barely move through life without directions and must sue someone if anything goes wrong.  "I got hurt.  It must be someone else's fault.  Now let me go find him."

Imagine a world where everybody looks inward and takes care of him or herself, claiming personal power as they step into their responsibility.  I am not suggesting we live selfishly in a vacuum or blame ourselves for another's actions.  I am suggesting acknowledging that everyone has a role in everything of which they are a part.  If we are candid about our feelings and claim our share of what takes place, we can learn from events that transpire and choose to do it better next time, rather than unconsciously operating out of unhealthy patterns.

It can be SO HARD to claim responsibility when I am really upset and think I have been wronged.  You know the saying, "Would you rather be right or be happy?"  Being right is so seductive, you can ride this wave for a lifetime before realizing that the energy you get from it is at another human's expense; for to be right, someone else must be wrong.

I am amazed at how much responsibility for my state of happiness or unhappiness I have tried to put in the hands of my husband, mother, father, or any other person of the moment, before I come back to myself in the center of the whirlwind and realize only I am in charge of how I feel!   Yes, people lie, cheat, steal, are inconsiderate, misleading, and judgmental.  It is natural to be angry, upset, hurt, and frustrated.  And I cannot change them.

I can choose to avoid them and try to hang out with folks who don't behave that way, but I have learned that people who I deem to be difficult can be just fine or downright wonderful to someone else. I am the one who is annoyed so it is MY lesson.  Does that make sense?  If something irritating keeps coming up for me, I believe it is a sign that I need to deal with something within ME.  Otherwise, I may shed this person, but then attract another who brings up the same irritations until I get the lesson.

It has been said that the point of power is in the present moment.  Our present circumstances, present relationships, and present emotions are all here to teach us and guide us toward states of greater ease if we face them.  What exactly happened and what did YOU feel when it occurred?  What needs or wants do you have that are not being met when this person behaves in this way?  How exactly would you prefer them to behave if they were willing?  How might you be contributing to this behavior?  These questions are at the foundation of Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication, which is a great process for communicating effectively and claiming your power.

I try my best to take the approach of, "This is coming up so I can heal it."  When I look within and learn my lesson, then the person who seems to push my buttons, almost magically...stops.  Either that or I am no longer disturbed when they demonstrate that behavior.  I have moved on.

Thanks for reading!
I welcome constructive comments and sharing!